I originally made this Tumblr thinking I might do review-type things of video games and such. I ended up not using it at all. Now I’m gonna start doing that review thing again. SO HERE IS THE FIRST POST OF
CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY
I have a history with Conker’s Bad Fur Day, like many other children probably do. CBFD was the first game, and actually the ONLY game, my parents have ever refused to buy for me. I was a very innocent kid when it comes to gaming, no super violent Call of Quake Doom Kombat for me. The first T game I owned was Melee, and the first M game was TF2 years later (which is pretty tame, really). I was all about the platformers, and all about Nintendo and Rare. Banjo-Kazooie is still my favorite game of all time. Tooie and DK64 are another two of my favorites. So, not knowing anything about CBFD beyond “It’s made by Rareware! I LOOOOOVE them!”, I asked my parents to get it for me, and they said I was too young for it.
I’m glad my parents said no to 8 or 9-year-old me, because I would have HATED this game then. I wouldn’t have understood half of it, and the highly flawed gameplay would have made me ragequit, especially after owning such gems as Kazooie, Tooie, and DK64. At 13 or 14 years old, when I started becoming absolutely obsessed with pornography, I would have really really LOVED the humor of this game, though still hate the gameplay. And now I ended up playing it too late, at age 17, and I found most of the humor just… lame. It shouldn’t have been rated M for mature; it should be I for immature. I mean, it’s not awful, it certainly has its moments both in humor and in gameplay. But for the most part, it’s stupid and it’s a pain to play. The main reason I kept playing is that I felt like I had to. It’s not bad enough to stop, and my love for Rareware made me have to keep going.
From the very first screen, the gameplay is sluggish. You’re hungover, and move extremely slow, stopping to vomit every so often. (oh boy) You get some seltzer water, so now you move pretty fast, that’s good. But now you have to jump up a series of platforms, with a large waterfall below you. There’s no training or practice of any kind beforehand, and the platforming is not nearly as good as Kazooie, so you need the practice. You’ll fall and fall and fall, swim back up… When you get up there, there’s a giant monsterguy in the way blocking your progress. If you move towards him, he punches you down, into the waterfall. Swim back up…
You have to learn how to attack first, by chasing a key. The key ends up serving no purpose beyond this. You’d think, oh, I have a key now, it can do something. No, its only purpose is for you to chase it, and for Conker to remember how to attack so he can stun and catch it. You attack by swinging a frying pan with the B button. But Jesus Christ, this attack. You can’t use it in the air, and when you use it, you’re stuck in place while he pulls the pan out and puts it back in. It’s so terrible. All the attacks in the game are. So you attack the guy and he falls down the waterfall. But there’s rocks blocking the door out. Again, I was stuck here for a while, I think I actually had to look it up. There’s a platform off to the side of the door that I don’t think you ever see from any angle other than going first person. It has a context button that gives Conker a detonator and blows the rocks away. The first room in the game, and I had to look up a walkthrough for it. It’s an awful introduction to the game. A really, REALLY bad introduction.
A lot of people nowadays complain that games baby you through them, and that there’s too many tutorials and instructions and “do this now”s. For the most part I agree. But you need SOME guidance when you’re starting a brand new game! Kazooie had Spiral Mountain, a beautiful, risk-free playground to use/learn your basic moves in. It gives you an extra honeycomb piece for using the moves too! And it easily lets you skip the tutorial, but still get the honeycomb pieces. It’s great. I’d say it’s a perfect in-game tutorial. For a sequel, I think Tooie did it fantastically as well. Starting you in Spiral Mountain once again, there’s molehills teaching you every single move you’d learn in Kazooie, and no obligation whatsoever to do them. Great for players that didn’t play Kazooie, and completely ignorable for players that did. Conker has almost none of this.
Overall the gameplay is constantly just… bleh. There’s a theme of doing the exact same thing three times. The first time you run into this is having to grab a piece of cheese, walk slowly along a path with Thwomp-like blocks you have to time, and give it to a mouse. Then, repeat this exact thing two more times. Early on there’s the bull and cow segment. You tease a bull, ride it, slam into a target, bring a cow out, have the cow shit, kill the cow. And you do that exact sequence 3 times. The bat mansion bit, oh god, this is the worst. You have to grab a villager, drop him into a grinder to feed your vampire bat grandfather, SEVEN TIMES. Then after that, ugh, the WORST segment in the game, you have to grab three keys. When you have this key, you can’t jump. You can’t defend yourself at all. So before you pick it up, you have to know exactly what route you’re going. And kill about 10 zombies in the way. Three times. And what makes this even worse is that the checkpointing system means you have to do all these IN ONE LIFE. OR YOU START FROM THE BEGINNING. IT’S SO ANNOYING. HOW DID RARE MAKE SUCH A BAD PLATFORMER AFTER THE MOST FLAWLESS PLATFORMING GAMES EVER CREATED
The music’s great though. Really really great. And it’s by far the most inappropriate game Nintendo ever has, and ever will, have a hand in. Which is something. I mean, really, it’s not bad. It’s just… not good. I’ve heard some people say it’s the best N64 game, or even the best game ever. Those people need to play B-K badly.
NOW THE FIRST FINAL RATING OF xXxBLAZ3D_R3VIEWZxXx
They’re not as good as you may expect from a late N64 game, but I had no framerate issues, unlike in Tooie and DK64 which sadly suffer from quite a bit of lag. And that’s what really matters. Conker’s facial animations are very good also.
Robin Beanland does a great job. Rareware and their music composers, so good
GAMEPLAY (THE IMPORTANT SCORE): 4/10
There’s some good fun bits but the repetitive parts and the FUCKING IRRITATING parts overshadow them.
There’s really no reason to replay the game, and no postgame content. But I hear the multiplayer is super fun, so, maybe there’s that. I wouldn’t know.
OVERALL SCORE 6/10
There’s way worse games out there, and it’s worth a looksee. But don’t be expecting the greatest thing ever, and be tolerant to a lot of unnecessary shit, piss, and gore. It’s meaningful though, as the last N64 game Rare made, and one of the last as a Nintendo second-party.
And don’t play Live and Reloaded, the “HD” graphics lose all the original charm, and it’s also more censored. What a ty port. WHY DID YOU KILL RARE MICROSOFT